Navigating the teenage development stage often leaves guardians, parents, caretakers, formators and society at a loss! Instead
of meaningful engagement; the young and old get at loggerheads.
By Joseline Byakatonda
Teens or adolescents’ (as others prefer to call them though with a negative connotation), behaviour we call unruly is ‘legitimate’ and with clear explanation. Adolescence marks the brain development stage of the prefrontal cortex-responsible for judgement or objective reasoning, analysis or weighing pros and cons and important but not least self-control. This development continues till the mid-20s say; 25 years. So, the youth in your care may not be as mature as they portray or are perceived. Psychology gives
another perspective that resonates with societal evidence. Just analyse how you made decisions up till 25 years versus later 26
years till now. Every floor of life polishes our judgement. The contrast is massive. First, as the prefrontal cortex is developing,
teenagers struggle with critical thinking-sometimes taking on highly risky and dangerous ventures which to others are a clear
no-go zone, for example, driving at very high speed, which is fun to them but leaves onlookers wondering if they have wits.
Propelling them to greater innovation and inventions, or to pursue their talent and life purpose is a good way to channel
this energy. The aim is not to curtail their adventure through control but rather guide them to what is most important. As the prefrontal develops, teens struggle with self-control or regulation of moods hence, characterized by fluctuating mood swings. This explains why creating safe boundaries for your teen this holiday is crucial. Their being in S.3 or S.5 doesn’t denote the ability to assess and make sound decisions.
This explains why marketing strategists, positive, as well as negative change makers all target teens. What they buy in thrives whether good or bad only if it appeals and seduces the emotions. This is the challenge a parent has to brace for with respect. They will most likely absorb whatever is offered unless nurtured way early on how to wean the wheat from the chaff; even then, safe boundaries through continuous talking, exposure, adventure, biographies and righteous company are some ways to nurture teens. Due to new hormonal changes as different body parts especially the reproductive system evolve, teens are said to misinterpret signals, commands, or non-verbal communication. Hence, cues given ought to be clear and thoroughly communicated. Speaking in parables should be preserved for 26 years and above; this age group needs straightforward information. For sure, if they struggle with analysis and comprehension, then not communicating clearly is setting oneself up for disappointment! Frequent sighs, banging doors, and anger outbursts are some of the annoying mannerisms they may exhibit, hence forewarned is more armed.
Teenage misbehaviours or triggers can be categorized into 3Rs: Resistance, Rebellion and Retaliation.
Resistance is when they choose to do their own thing apart from the family or parent’s desired action. In parenting terms, it may be termed as disobedience but at this stage, the teen is growing to be independent and autonomous and they prefer to do things
the other way round. This R is triggered by the desire to neutralize excess power, authority, and control exercised over them.
Seeking to understand their perspective, while providing autonomy, coupled with safe boundaries for their wellbeing is
the best way to handle resistance.
Rebellion is when they choose to prioritise their stuff over what is more important and crucial, for example, watching football over preparing lunch or studying.
Retaliation is when they respond aggressively because they feel misunderstood or angry.
To eliminate the three Rs takes empathy, patience, and continuous learning by the parent or one in authority. This is not cheap because by hierarchy, the teens ideally ought to bend but now the one at the top has to bend low for the one lower.
Avoid heated arguments and have a cool-off period until it’s appropriate to engage on the same subject again, though this does
not mean shying away from tough conversations.
Choose to be proactive over-reactive. If a mischief has happened, it has happened, flipping upside down won’t solve a thing. Engage with teens as mature people not as children, hence, develop age-appropriate guidelines, clearly marking boundaries and consequences. These can be set together, seeking mutual understanding and flexibility. Teens should be given autonomy according to age, but still, within the right boundaries.
Identify common activities to strengthen the parent-teen bond like sports, over-2,000k or more outings, evening walks and doing chores together, among other things.
Avoid accusative language. Phrases like ‘you never’ or ‘you always’ etcetera only create defensiveness. Instead, use dialoguing or inquiry phrases like ‘what happened! How come you forgot to close the kitchen door? Then wait for a response with calmness.
Respect their space and property too. Just bumping into their bedrooms breeds the 3Rs. You respect them, they respect you in return. Talk about the transformations they are undergoing or seek the help of a trusted friend or family member. However, in it all, you are the best teacher and counsellor your teen can ever have, so, before seeking out help, first start within. May this be a different holiday!
This article has been written reviewing various discoveries in the psychology field, including Guidance Approach to Parenting by Dr. Louise Porter.
